Le Scarabée
Masquer la pub

You'll be a man, my son

par Eric Cotte
mise en ligne : 28 June 1996

Men who are the pride of our times.

The lieutenant had told us, during an edifying and memorable speech (and you must know by now how fascinated I am by the intellectual vivacity of military officers): "a man has two balls and a dick! Men are martial, virile and marche in unison!"

Seven years later, this speech still echoes in my memory with the value of a Law. A sermon that my roommates applied on the night on that day,experimenting manually, each in his own corner and in the dark, the workings of this part of their anatomy that’s made for reproduction and mutual pleasure. From that day, I learnt that behind the loud speeches of machos lies an organ that fits in their hand.

Since then, I’ve been admiring these men (real men), proud of their archaic certainties and whose last representatives shall be put in a zoo. The would-be macho has a long and very selective formation ahead of him, and he’d better start learning as soon as possible.

In grade school, it consists in pissing farther than your comrades. Usage of the ruler soon allows the creation of a less random hierarchy. Around the age of 14, a deep debate starts on the relative importance of the ruler (for length) and the vernier caliber (for diameter). By the age of 15, math classes add some arguments to the debate. The product of the squared diameter by the length, multiplied by Pi and divided by four yields the volume of the thing. That’s a method too complex, though, and the real macho will reject it as a consequence. In swimming pool changing rooms, hair densities are compared. Physical criteria, that grant the title of macho, become more and more strict. But the real test is whether the real macho man has "done it" or not. The real macho, the king of the high school, as young as 16, has "done it" with the math teacher. So, in addition to physical criteria, they must be endowed with a big mouth and the appropriate confidence. Remember when I was telling you that it was not given to everyone to be a macho. A stint in the army, surrounded by professionals, will make the formation complete. The only important apparel is the gold chain, worn around the neck, engraved with a virile nickname. The true macho will choose identification plates as worn by GI’s in Vietnam. This piece of jewelry is, of course, worn over the T-shirt. At the beach, the norm is to wear seventies-type swimsuits, allowing the aeration and display of pubic hair and set tightly around the organ. By the way, the gesture believed to be used to "check the package" is in fact used to give volume to it all and to act against the occasional shrinking due to the cold water. The watch must be eye-catching and big. Caution: in time, it causes an elongation of the limb that wears it. Bowling (practiced with the other arm, of course) will help find a balance. When you’re able to scratch your knee without bending, that means you’ve acquired the proper ape-like profile that will get you by. I’ll stop here, but you’ve understood my message: being a macho comes from such an intellectual and physical discipline that the male chauvinist pig must be hailed as the hero of our modern times.

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